The Danger of Constantly Bailing, Flaking, Texting-Out and other Career Killers

Filmmaker Woody Allen once said, “80 of success is just showing up.” That’s only part of the equation. But the way things are going these days, not many folks could come close to 80 percent. What are we so busy doing?

Last week’s post about our inability to honor commitments in the smartphone age riled many folks up. So, we thought we’d do a follow-up piece about what psychotherapist Nancy Collier, LCSW calls “Last Minute-Itis.” We weren’t familiar with this term until recently, but read on if you find yourself constantly bailing, flaking, texting out and wimping out on your business colleagues, friends and family.

According to Collier, the next time you make a plan with someone, you should put yourself in their shoes and see what it feels like to commit to the plan inside yourself. “Shut the back door that the cell phone opens,” advises Collier. “You may find that just by removing the possibility of a last minute text-out, by closing your options rather than keeping them open, you feel more spacious and relaxed.”

Hmmn.

*** How often are you communicating with your clients? Chances are it’s not enough. Take our Insta-Poll and find out how you stack up to your peers

According to Collier, you may find that you feel “more dignified” as a result of committing to do something and by giving someone your word. At HB, we have found that’s what pros do in every walk of life no matter how busy they are…..they make a promise and then keep it. Pretty simple advice!

Collier said that thanks to the cell phone and other mobile technology, people have become more insensitive, immature and self-involved. “It is teaching us that it is okay to behave in a way that is disrespectful, undignified, and ultimately unkind,” Collier added.

New York Times columnist, David Brooks opined recently that we are living in a Golden Age of Bailing. He wrote that there used to be a time when a social commitment was not regarded as a “disposable Post-it note.” He added that reliability is a “core element of treating people well” and that if you don’t “flake on” people who matter you will forge deeper and better friendships and live in a better and more respectful way.”

With the cell phone now making it acceptable to avoid having to make any firm choices, Collier said “we are losing this critical life skill,” adding that it is producing a generation of young people who are “perpetually on the fence” between choices, “inert, and paralyzed by the looseness and open-ended-ness that technology creates and supports.”

Brooks feels we should probably make bailing harder, suggesting “three moral hurdles” every instance of bailing must meet:

1.      Is it for a good reason (i.e. your kids unexpectedly need you, a new kidney became available for your transplant) or is it for a bad reason (you’re tired, you want to be alone)?

2.      Did you bail well (i.e. sending an honest text, offering another date to get together) or did you bail selfishly (ghosting, talking about how busy your life is, as if you were the only person who matters)?

3.      Did you really think about the impact on the other person? (Brooks reminds us it’s always a mistake to bail on somebody’s life event — wedding, birthday party, funeral — on the grounds that your absence won’t be noticed.)

Our take?

• Put yourself in the other persons shoes…hint, emoji’s won’t help no matter what your age.
• Leave plenty of time cushion between events and obligations in your calendar.
• Follow the Pomodoro 25/5 technique (25 minutes hard thinking/5 minute break) or our own 5-4-1 technique in which you work hard for 5 hours in the morning, followed by a 60+ minute lunch break. Then you come back re-energized so you can work hard for 4 hours in the afternoon, followed by a 1-2 hour break in for family time or personal time. Then you finish up with one hour of regroup time to review the promises, commitments, to-dos of the day and get set up for tomorrow.

We have found techniques like these will prevent you from making commitments under duress—commitments you can’t possibly keep. 

• Make appointments with yourself--and keep them. For instance, “I will get this report done by 11am today”…..or “I will start my morning run at 7am and not be late”…….I will be home no later than 7pm and finish up work after dinner.”

Conclusion

Life moves pretty fast and Sh*!*!*!* happens. You can’t always control your environment, but if nothing else, try to follow the 90/90 principle that we use here at HB. That means honoring 90 percent of your commitments 90 percent of the time (commitments to others and to yourself) and you’ll find that’s a pretty good batting average without the tyranny of being a perfectionist.


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TAGS: David Brooks, Nancy Collier, Golden age of bailing, flaking, ghosting, Pomodoro technique

Read This Before You Hit ‘Cancel Meeting’

We all get hopelessly over-scheduled at times. But if you find yourself constantly rescheduling your work appointments, running hopelessly behind schedule, never being able to commit to plans with friends or family (including your spouse and kids), then you may have some issues to sort out.

Not to be Miss Manners on you, but every time you bail or flake on somebody—whether in a professional, social or family setting—you’re signaling lack of respect. You’re also signaling that you can’t manage your own time and that you have no respect for other people’s time. It signals that you’re spread a mile wide and an inch deep, and that you’re a chronic “over-promiser” and “under-deliverer.”

Sorry to be harsh, but that’s what you’re telling the world. Don’t be that guy (or gal).

If this sounds like you or someone close to you, you’re not alone. Thanks, to the smartphone, it’s never been easier to bail, flake, blow-off or simply ghost people without risking a face-to-face (or telephone) conversation. It’s never been easier to get out of a time commitment without having to apologize or show remorse. It’s what psychotherapist Nancy Collier, LCSW calls “Last Minute-Itis.”

*** How often are you communicating with your clients? Chances are it’s not enough. Take our Insta-Poll and find out how you stack up to your peers

Cancelling because of a serious illness is one thing, but when you habitually bail or flake it’s not only disrespectful, it’s a sign of weakness. It’s like blowing off your morning jog, your thrice- weekly gym workout or falling of your diet or budget plan—it means you’re disrespecting yourself.

Do you really want to do business with people (or clients) who can’t honor their commitments? Do you really want to be friends with (or in a relationship) with like this?

We didn’t think so.

According to Collier, tech-driven bad behavior is symptomatic of our increasing inability to make or honor commitments. “The fact that it is acceptable to bail in the final hour means that we no longer have to commit to anyone or anything. We leave our lives forever loose, with the option always present that if something better comes up or we change our mind, we’re out. We live in a constant state of ‘we’ll see.’”

We’re living in a “Golden Age of Bailing” wrote NY Times columnist, David Brooks last week. Brooks said bailing stands at the “nexus of so many larger trends” including the “ambiguity of modern social relationships, the fraying of commitments, and the ethic of flexibility ushered in by smartphone apps.”

Brooks pointed the finger at technology which makes bailing out on commitments very easy. “You just pull out your phone and bailing on a rendezvous is as easy as canceling an Uber driver.”

Brooks said there are different categories of bailing.

1. Canceling on friends. People feel free to bail on close friends, because they will understand, and on distant friends, because they don’t matter so much, but they are less inclined to bail on medium-tier or fragile friends.

2. Professional bailing. This tends to have a hierarchical structure. A high-status person will frequently bail on a lower-status colleague, but if an intern bails on a senior executive, it is a sign of serious disrespect.

3. The networker flake. In the information age, the highly ambitious are masters of acquaintanceship — making a zillion useful contacts, understanding the strength of weak ties and bailing on a networking prospect with a killer-eyed coldness when a better offer comes along.

Author and motivational speaker, Brendan Burchard offers four suggestions for sticking to your word.

#1. Don’t commit. Stop committing to things that you’re not passionate about. When you lack passion for the commitments you make, they tend to feel like heavy obligations or trifle commitments. They’re easy to cancel or quit. Learning to turn down more opportunities (even the good ones!) will help you stick to your word.

#2. Respect other people’s time. Your time is not more valuable than others. Respect others’ time much as you respect and want to protect your own. Remember that everybody has priorities and a to-do list each day. Your decision to cancel on them disrupts their day and life, and that’s not fair. You don’t want people ruining your schedule so don’t do it to others.

#3. Know your payoffs. Sometimes, we say ‘yes’ to a lot of things but we forget the payoff when we start working on them. We forget why we said ‘yes’ in the first place and lose passion, and so we quit. Before you cancel on anything, try to remember why you originally said yes. In other words, revisit the payoff so that you’re willing to endure the struggle.

#4. You break it, you buy it. If you cancel on someone or fail to deliver, you’ve broken your word. You need to buy back your character, reputation, and integrity with an act of kindness, generosity, or attrition. You’ll have to go beyond your original commitment. Not only does this type of act regain your reputation, it also supports you on your journey to being a good person. When you mess up, be more generous. 

Conclusion

In my next post, I’ll share some cures from the experts for Last Minute-Itis and three moral hurdles that every bailer should meet in order to have the privilege of canceling last-minute.
In the meantime, take a deep breath and count to three, before you hit the Cancel Meeting request. Think about the person on the receiving end and the likelihood they’ll honor a commitment with you the next time.

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TAGS: David Brooks, Nancy Collier, Golden age of bailing, flaking, ghosting.

Did You Miss our Latest Posts About Innovation Myths, Email Intro Lines and Personal Credibility Killers?

We know many of you have been traveling lately and returning to overstuffed inboxes. So, here’s your chance to get caught up with your peers about ways to get more out of your people, your capital expenditures and your personal brand.

Visit our new blog archive page and your find popular recent posts like these:

• Fix Things First; Then Innovate
• Don’t Overlook Your Email Intro Lines
• Avoiding Credibility Killers

**** And don’t forget to take our free InstaPoll:
How many times per month are you communicating with clients?
See how you compare to your peers. Just one question. Instant results!

When it comes to our post about fixing things first before you punt to innovation, Mike Delaney, a Philadelphia-based business consultant and former engineer weighed in. “That’s so true,” said Delaney. “Many of our big problems are the little ones left unattended.”

Michael Kelly, Senior Group Director at market research consultancy, Naxion concurred: “Evolutionary biology is another analogy,” explained Kelly. “Highly innovative, but it starts with what's already there. There’s no such thing as a clean slate."

Conclusion

While we live in a fast-paced, tech-obsessed society, sometimes the simplest solutions to our biggest challenges are right under our noses. Think before you hit the send/post button and see if you can repair things that have served you well before you go on an innovation/disruption binge. If you don’t, you just might make a bad situation worse.

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